Looking to be a man at work

If there is one thing I am not good at it’s looking for a job. Don’t get me wrong, I can find an actual place to apply without much difficulty, I just really, really hate the process. And yet, here I am. Desperately searching for an internship somewhere in the state.

I’ve already applied for some bigger national positions, but my odds aren’t great at getting them. Even if I did get them, most are in big cities and don’t pay. Even if I did get paid at them, I don’t honestly know if I could afford to do them. So here I am, applying for internships across the spectrum of state offices, and wanting nothing more than to stop.

I do look forward to the potential work. Frankly, any of the positions I am looking at sound much more appealing than another summer in fast food, and despite the hatred most people feel toward any sort of government bureaucracy (my dad might disown me if I work for the Department of Labor) this is the sort of thing I want to do with my life, and the way I plan to serve my nation and state moving forward in life. So, that’s also not the problem. I hate asking for work.

Obviously, this isn’t begging. I’m asking to do labor in exchange for experience/the ability to survive. That’s pretty much what anyone my age attending a place of higher education is supposed to be doing right about now, but that just doesn’t feel right to me.

One classical interview question is “Why should I hire you?” With my tendency toward internal self deprivation and total aversion to anything that resembles bragging, I can hardly stand to answer that. I’m actually really good with interviews, I’ve never had one that I would say went poorly. I don’t get nervous about interviews, I can’t think of a time I’ve been nervous to talk to someone, full stop. It just rubs against me wrong.

Then there’s the actual application to be filled out. Of course, this is mindbogglingly boring, but there is nothing I hate as much filling in the references section. I have plenty of fine references, nothing overly professional, that’s what the internships are for. Still, I’ve put in my dues with fast food, my new work at the library, and my high school internship with an attorney. They’ll all vouch for me, but I hate to ask them for that.

I feel lucky that I was employed in any capacity to begin with, so asking for someone else to brag me up combines two things I disdain. To the best of my knowledge, I’ve never even had a previous employer contacted for a job, but just knowing that there is a chance drives me crazy. I don’t know when they’d be called. They could be sitting down to dinner and suddenly be asked to leave their families and meal on my behalf. Small, yes, but I would never want to trouble someone like that, even for just a few moments.

One day, I’ll be in my professional line of business, and I won’t have to worry about grinding to impress strangers, but for now I’ll just get used to being a gopher.

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